So, as of now…my diagnoses are Persistent Depressive Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder (what is called “Double Depression”) plus ADHD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, PTSD & OCD. For me, my symptoms have been so normal, that I don’t usually bring them up at any therapy or psychiatrist appointments, because it’s just my normal everyday life.
The problem with this, is that I don’t talk about the better points of my life. When I have energy and am able to do things…I just enjoy being able to do things like wash the floor, go grocery shopping without anxiety, even calling to make an appointment with any of my doctors. So, I keep seeing commercials for something called “Bipolar Depression”…and it reminds me of a “false” diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder when I was 16 years old. I was put on SO MANY DIFFERENT MEDICATIONS. I was literally a walking zombie. At this point, I’m being treated for depression, anxiety and PTSD…but, I still don’t feel like a functioning human being most days.
If I had a choice, I’d lose ALL my diagnoses and be a “normal” human being. Unfortunately, that’s not a choice I have. However, I keep questioning why EVERY. SINGLE. ANTIDEPRESSANT I take works for a little while, and then I’m a mess again. My psychiatrist ran a test on my genes to see what medications would work best for me. And I’ve tried them ALL. I feel better for a while…and then…I just don’t. Not only am I so depressed, but there are times I get SOOOOOOO agitated. I’m so very sensory sensitive…that the slightest noise makes me want to crawl out of my skin.
If I had the choice, I’d never have to take ANY medication ever again. Unfortunately, I don’t have that choice. As a pharmacy technician, I agonize and ruminate over the numerous side effects. At the same time…I just want to feel better. I want to be able to function normally. I don’t want something like showering to be this unbelievably overwhelming chore that I can barely do.
Psychiatry is such a difficult field to be in. Diagnoses are not determined by a blood test, but by the symptoms you list off to your doctor. What if I am so used to my symptoms, that they are no longer symptoms to me, but more like everyday life? How can I be properly diagnosed if I can’t recognize my own symptoms, because they’ve been part of my life for so many years. Decades.
All I want from life is to be functional, and be able to enjoy the majority of my days. If that means taking medication, so be it. However, if I’m taking medications, and I don’t feel any better…what is the point? I can’t recognize the symptoms, because they’ve been my way of life for 32 years. I know I’m not “normal”, but I just want to feel better. I want to be a good wife, a good mother, a good sister, a good daughter, and I feel like I’m failing everyone I have ever loved. I am constantly WRACKED with guilt over things I think I did wrong. When I mention it to my family, my insane guilt over something I think I did wrong…is not even a thought in anyone’s mind. I punish myself for things that I think I’ve done to my loved ones.
I just want my life back. I want the relationships with my family to improve. I don’t want to hide behind my anxiety and depression anymore. I just want my life back. I guess it’s time for some SERIOUS introspection…and find out what is a symptom…and what is just life.
Finding Amy 